Introduction
What you are about to read has been penned by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com.
Facebook may no longer be the newest and most exciting method of remote quasi-interaction with our friends and family, but being one of the oldest it's now something literally everyone uses.
Unfortunately, this means that literally everyone is on there – for better or for worse.
Here are the ten Facebook friends which all of us have, which we should probably think about getting rid of.
1. THE ATTENTION-SEEKER
There's always one person on every Facebook feed who posts troubling, open-ended updates, yet never really explains what they're about – no matter how many times people ask what's wrong.
"Right. That's the last time I trust a biplane pilot!"… and "Never having chemo again!"… or just a simple "FML! Wyverns!".
"Oh no! What's wrong, hun?!" we all ask, while she sits back, silently scooping up those comments with her massive, positive affirmation fishing net, like the big, attention-trawling, black hole of emotions that she is.
2. THINGY FROM SCHOOL
You got the friend request and message at the same time: "How are things? You remember me from school don't you?". And so you reply: "Yes, of course I remember you – you are that familiar person from school". But you are not familiar with them.
This one simple friend request has turned your brain into a font of guilt-fuelled lies. Now you have opened up your entire life to someone who claims to know you, because you think that maybe, possibly, you sort of half-remember them, a bit. They could be anyone, and still you continue to post while Thingy shares virtually nothing.
The only clue to their life is some blurry, vague profile photo of somebody who looks like nobody you can ever remember knowing, standing in front of a wipeboard. And yet… and yet… there was that German kid who sat two desks behind you in geography. He was always standing in front of wipeboards. Maybe it's him…
3. THE QUOTE-AHOLIC
Enough with the quotes! We don't need to have our newsfeed overloaded with endless posts about how much you'd quote for different things.
We don't want to know that you're offering £16 an hour for repointing the brickwork around our extension roof, or 30 pence to give us an upper lip massage, or 24 dollars to perform a mysterious dance beneath a cherry tree. Stop it!
4. THE OVER-SHARER
Major groan! We've all suffered through the over-sharer's updates. Why does she think we need to know every intimate detail of her life, and every thing she's feeling or doing?
"OMG! Literally just switched on my laptop to do this! LOL"… "ROFL! Just updating my FB status!"… "Dunno even what to put in this status update AFAIK!".
5. FIRST KIDNAPPER
Most of us never forget our first kidnapping. Those stolen moments of intimacy between you and your abductor, being bundled tenderly into the back of his van, listening in as he bonds with your family over ransom demands – you never knew you were worth so much!
It can be so hard to let go of someone with whom you shared such a crucial time in your life – specifically, the time of your first kidnapping - but it can be just as difficult to see them moving on, posting pictures of their latest gagged and bound victim.
Maybe this is one friend you should say goodbye to. It's time you moved on, and you're sure to forget all about them the next time you're kidnapped.
6. WOMAN WHO LOVES HER FRIDGE-FREEZER
Wow! She really loves her big American-style fridge-freezer. So much so that everything she posts is a picture of that damn appliance.
"My beautiful American-style fridge-freezer is six weeks old today! My beautiful American-style fridge-freezer just made its first ice! My beautiful American-style fridge-freezer just made a noise that sounded like 'Daddy!' So proud!".
Jeez. You'd think nobody had ever owned an American-style fridge-freezer before! Enough already!
7. BONO
You ask yourself the question every single day: why did you ever accept that friend request from U2 singer Bono? You knew he was constantly going to be posting pictures of himself spending his imaginable wealth, being adored by millions, and hugging the needy…
As if you needed even more reasons to feel terrible about yourself, Bono puts everything into perspective. You're a failure. Everything in your life is wrong, and diseased, and broken.
You've achieved nothing other than a few mewling brats, a middle management role in some poxy office job, and a mountain of credit card debt. You even go on holiday in caravans. Whereas people like Bono? Facebook reminds you that their life is perfect.
Yeah – except funny how he never mentioned the backlash against U2's hook-up with Apple, eh? Made your week that did.
8. THE FURIOUS ROBOT
Why you ever agreed agreed to be friends with this enraged automaton is anybody's guess – you knew how it can be, even in real life.
But divorced from the empathy of face-to-face human contact it's almost like it's foaming at the mouth – if it actually had a mouth and saliva glands, instead of a plastic grill that oozes a thick, gloopy, brown grease.
The Furious Robot is always posting up links to politically inflammatory, pro-robot news stories, expressing his rage at the treatment of white goods, old toasters, and obsolete iPhones. Why do you care so much, Furious Robot? Sounds like somebody needs to reboot their Chill-Out-A-Bit Circuits!
9. GEORGE TAKEI
There's not a person on the planet who isn't friends with kindly old George Takei – so we all know what a burden that can be.
All those messages in the middle of the night asking whether we think he's cool, or whether we could fetch him a glass of water. Plus the endless pokes and tags, and if you fail to like a comment he's made on one of your photos, he'll unfriend you… for a week.
George, get over yourself! It's getting annoying!
10. YOUR GRANDPARENTS
Whoever thought it was a good idea to let pensioners on the Internet needs to be shot.
Since the silver surfers infested Facebook, it's barely possible to have a conversation without your grandparents liking everything you've said, telling your friends how proud they are of you, over-sharing intimate photographs of you from when you were a baby, and sending endless invitations to play Candy Crush Saga.
Worse still, every other thing they share is about Wherther's Originals. We get it – you like Wherther's Originals! You only had to tell us once.
