Sony abandons the Vita entirely and stars making fun of it
"For those who love games, there's the PS4, " says Andrew House in his opening statement at the Sony press conference. "For anyone who doesn't like games, there's the PS VITA! Am I right or am I right!?" He proceeds to pull a PS Vita out of his pocket and throws it off the side of the stage. The audience isn't sure whether to cheer or boo.
Later in the conference a publisher mentions the Vita again and House runs back on stage, yells "More like the ViTANIC! BRRRRMMMMM" and pretends he's a sinking ship.
The PC 2 is announced
"Why do Xbox and PlayStation and Nintendo get to have all the fun?" asks Gabe Newell in a Gabe Newell t-shirt and matching crown. "We have new stuff too. Like… The PC 2! It has two screens, can run two games at once, AND it comes with extra buttons to press - one of which just sends out an email to everyone you've ever known proclaiming how much better you are than them. Apple have been doing it for years!"
All of the games on the Nintendo E3 generator come true
It was a publicity stunt all along! Expect to be playing games like The Legend of Zelda: Diamond of Banana, Boring Decision U and Star Fox Spinach by 2016, and get your preorders in for Palestinian Salad Collection on 3DS and Confident Goat on Wii U - all with special edition Amiibo. "Confident Goat promises to be the new Super Mario," says Reggie Fils-Aime, with the sort of confidence we can only imagine a goat having.
A special conference is held just to bait angry misogynistic gamers
It's going to be called "Why We're Only Making Games For Women From Now On, And Why Men Suck And Smell Really Bad". It's basically a trap: everyone who attends gets a free temporary phallus tattoo on their foreheads, and everyone who heckles gets their shoes confiscated. Soon, a makeshift hierarchy is formed, where the shoeless remain shoeless and those of us with shoes begin to make them more and more elaborate, just to prove some kind of point about not being a colossal idiot about women.
Fallout 4's graphics look average because it's cross-platform with mobile
"Er," says the head of Bethesda, cornered by a rather angry-looking mob wielding actual torches and pitchforks. Perhaps they shouldn't have given those out at the start, he thinks. Bit of a PR stunt backfire.
Women get expelled from games forever
No one quite knew what was happening until it happened: a largeish group of shoeless men swept the conference hall like a group of prisoners looking for rubbish. The prison? Video games. The rubbish? FEMALES. It wasn't long until every single woman in the building was escorted out by the shoeless brigade and told to never come back, ever. Thank GOD. Now we can stop making all those dang feminist games about how women shouldn't be abused or punched in the boobs or whatever.
"Exclusive" starts to lose all meaning
Turns out that this time, some over-enthusiastic PR intern told everyone that they were getting Sweaty Wrestleman 2016 exclusively on their platform. It's not his fault that he didn't understand, because no one really knows what "exclusive" means when it comes to games. Exclusive for precisely 60 seconds before it comes out on the other console? Exclusive box with limited edition Sweaty Wrestleman scratch-n-sniff cover? Exclusive extra mode where Sweaty Wrestleman has to visit his grandmother's grave? The ensuing exclusivity-fuelled kerfuffle leaves 18 dead.
No games are revealed
Everyone was sort of hoping that everyone else would announce all the games, and that they could just get by with some rehashed demoes. Maybe release a new headset or a different colour of light-up keyboard if they were feeling bored. But no - everyone was bluffing! Sony hurriedly releases a press statement saying "oh - uh - we sort of thought Ubisoft would take this"; Ubisoft quickly retaliates with "excuse us, but we've release A BILLION Assassin's Creeds, I think we're allowed the year off." Nintendo shrugs, saying "eh, no one expected us to do much anyway."
Angry Birds gets a dark and gritty reboot
Finally, the origin story we've been clamouring for. "People like Angry Birds but nobody knows WHY they're angry," the lead developer of Birds explains. "They were pretty chill guys at first but I'll tell ya, seeing your first born killed by a pig in a spacesuit. I mean, they're cute, but yeah, that'll f**k you up."
